picture from ANAVRIN on Flickr

Well… They did it. After a long and unsteady courtship the two finally got married. It was widely speculated it would never happen. After all, both of them have very separate and distinct personalities. One is overbearing, controlling and has been known to be abusive. The other is narcissistic, headstrong and has been known to be uncultured and naive. There have been numerous accounts of infidelity on both sides and some of the confrontations have been legendary in the legal system.

Can a marriage such as this have any traction at all? Can Mr. Federal Government and Ms. American Auto Industry have any chance of a happy relationship? The prenup alone is nothing short of “War and Peace” with a “Gone With the Wind” forward.

Look at the wedding party! It is actually hard to tell who really has been married. The characters involved resemble a mass bigomist ceremony more than it does a union of two happy partners. Look at the Best Man, for example. The UAW has been the Fed’s best friend for many years while hopping in bed with the Auto Industry whenever there was a shiny trinket involved. He has played both sides to his advantage and Mr. and Mrs. Federal Auto seem oblivious to the pull-strings.

Bridesmaids… What a collection! Who would have thought there was that much chiffon in Detroit to cover the hides of these bloated cows? Bankers, accountants, managers… All of which have survived and grown fat on the spillings of the auto industry. They stood there bright and beaming as the favored few while many that were actually responsible for Auto’s successes were locked outside the church.

The wedding itself was even too bizarre for a “Saturday Night Live” sketch. After all, when the minister asks if there is anyone present who has a reason why these two should not be joined and everyone in attendance stands at once… shouldn’t there be at least some notice of the response? Aren’t the words supposed to be “I do” instead of “I’ll try” and “You better!” Is it strange to have the foreign gigolo and the groom sharing cake while the bride is kissing the Best Man?

However it went down on the wedding day it is now a vision for the future. But what future? Will it shape into a prosperous and fruitful relationship or be crushed by the weight of its own cost? The auto industry may have thought she would be getting a strong visionary partner able to look at the consumer and technological horizon and help her improve and grow as a viable business. What she got were more investment bankers.  Steven Rattner is the co-founder of private-equity firm Quadrangle Group LLC and is now chief adviser on auto-industry issues. Ron Bloom, a former vice president at investment bank Lazard Ltd., will advise Mr. Fed’s auto task force. How does that work? The auto industry has had their Big Day only to find out on the honeymoon the husband is impotent… and in debt… and probably always drives 5 below the speed limit.

This is a wedding in name only. In reality, it is an incestuous relationship involving the Federal Government, the UAW leadership and favored financial backers. The auto industry is being forced to wear the ring to make it all look legitimate. The “children” of this matrimonial nightmare will be the cars she is forced to produce. What these little bastards will be like is yet to be seen. The Fed is busy “genetically engineering” the design parameters to meet many arbitrary restrictions being demanded from the mistress that is politely referred to as the environmental lobby. In reality, this mistress is, at best, a manipulative child pouting every time it does not get its way. Disturbed that other people actually find joy in their automobiles, she has found a way to stop crying and start legislating through the manipulation of gullible politicians.

So how does a wedding such as this work? The bride is “kissless” on the honeymoon and has lost any sense of individuality. The groom entered the marriage with a mistress already pregnant. One married for money and the other for power. There is no money. Well, no money in the real sense of value. That leaves only power. And only one side has that card in their pocket.